Here I Am.

SD.

2012-01-29T21:47:00.001+05:00

Finding new and varied ways to self destruct.

Oh, yeah.

Class of 2010.

2012-01-21T11:59:00.001+05:00

We had our convocation yesterday. 20th Jan is a day I will never in my life forget. The new V.C. went all out for the celebration and hosted an amazing lunch. I swear to God, I had never felt this happy or proud of my university in the past 7 years as much as I did yesterday.

See, when I was in my previous university things were a little like this:

Random Aunty
"Beta school kaunsa tha?"

"LGS".

"HAYE MASHALLAH. O LAVAL?"

"Nahi aunty, matric kia hai".

*opinion of me sinks a little*

Disappointed smile "Oh. Acha. Uss ke baad to A LAVAL kiya ho ga na?"

"Jee nai aunty, Inter kia tha".

*opinion sinks even lower*

"Inter? Tch tch tch... KC se beta?"

Here we go. "LC se aunty".

*jaw drops, eyes bulge, horrified stare ensues*

"Ab LUMS mein ho? LSE? KC? etc etc" hopeful smile

"NAHI AUNTY ABHI BHI LAHORE KAALIJ FAR VEEMIN UNIVERSITY MEIN HUN".

She refuses to talk to me after that. Since I was now equal to the dirt beneath her feet. Mehehe.

On a more serious note, yeah we were sometimes embarrassed about where we came from because things actually were that bad there. I will never in my life say that the 6 years I spent in LC were good. There were good moments, yes but those were few and far between.

But the send off we got... I shall always remember this day. One of the best-est of best days. Isi khushi mein I shall upload a picture.

Please ignore that I look about 150 KG here. I swear I'm not actually that fat =P

Yay.

OH MY GOD THIS IS

2012-01-17T13:45:00.000+05:00

So now that I've got your attention, like this please. Sister needs votes.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150492229197648&set=a.10150492228477648.376459.279730212647&type=1&ref=nf

This whole thing (blog post) was her idea, FYI. GO LIKE THENX.

W.

2012-01-16T21:46:00.000+05:00

Sometimes there is just no limit to how blind and stupid you can get.

You spend your life thinking one thing and then something happens that throws you off track so bad, your eyes tear, your blood slows, you fall down and scrape your knees and the cracks and sores take years to heal.

And then it scabs over and hardens into something bitter and sad and then you spend every moment regretting what happened and why.

Time heals all wounds? I have yet to experience that.

Sometimes Forwarded Texts Don't Suck.

2012-01-15T20:26:00.000+05:00

Do you know, that the people who seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive?

Do you know, the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated?

Do you know, those who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most?

Do you know, the hardest 3 things to say are:

I love you

I'm sorry

Help me.

Be kind to everyone you meet as you may never know who is fighting what battle, and when.

Youth Punjab.

2012-01-13T13:11:00.001+05:00

60% walon ke naam hain wahan.

Aur mera nahi hai.

Vut unfairnezz.

-There is no other Maryam Reza in GCU. Spashul feelings.

O_O

2011-12-31T00:21:00.002+05:00

Kitne emo posts hain meray. If I were you, I'd un-follow me.

NO WAIT LOL JK WALI BAAT THI STAY HERE.

Dem.

Placement Semester III.

2011-12-27T23:35:00.000+05:00

Finally came to an end. The weirdest semester I think. The kids were totally normal and beyond study problems + time management issues there was honestly nothing else wrong with them. Which is good for them, bad for us =P

Except for a few rare cases.

But all in all, this placement was much more relaxed than the previous ones. Plus, I got to know A LOT about government schools; which I never would have known otherwise. Honestly, all those who study in these schools and go on to higher education have my deepest respect. Its not easy.

I hated the teachers there. Heartless and cruel.
Some kids were beyond irritating (sadly, most were girls).
Some were amazing (I had pretty awesome boys).

9:54

2011-12-25T09:54:00.000+05:00

There's a friend of mine who needs a lot of prayers and good wishes.

Names aren't important here, lets just say she needs the support and all the prayers that anyone can send her way.

Make sure you put in a tiny request to God as soon as you read this.

Thanks <3

12/24/2011.

2011-12-24T21:22:00.002+05:00

There is a negative filter permanently fixed in my mind.

How ironic that I have to teach positive thinking to school children.

Hypocrisy, thy name is Psychology.

Its Impossible, Sometimes.

2011-12-18T13:26:00.000+05:00

When do you decide that this is where you draw the line?

Where's the border between being a counselor and being a personal friend?

How do you know when you've done enough?

How do you decide that you can't go further?

How do you stop yourself from trying?

They all tell us that there comes a point when you just can't do any more for your client. No matter how much you want to. They tell us that we can't help everyone. That there's a full stop here somewhere.

What they don't tell is how. How do you do all that?

How do you hold yourself back from thinking that maybe, maybe, just this time.. You can help a little more.

Mehman Bhagwaan Hai. O Rly?

2011-12-10T19:05:00.001+05:00

Mom: JALDI KARO, THEY'RE ALMOST HERE.

*Maryam in phattay puranay ghaleez ganday kapray hunched in front of the laptop*: Acha jee, mama.

1.45678 seconds later

Mom: MONA. Uth jao. *scary glare*

I run upstairs and put on whatever is clean and/or ironed. Nothing can be done about my zombie-like face with dark circles down to my nose. So.

*guests pile in, big smiles all around, smelly tight hugs that make me want to run the hell away*

"BETAAAAAA KAISI HO?"

"Jee, theek hun aunty, thank you. Aap kaisi hain?"

*ignores and goes off to greet my younger sister (Sid)*

"KAISI HO SID BETI?"

*polite smile* "Theek hun, aunty."

"TUMHARI BEHN KAISI HAI BETA?"

Me: cbnji873ryu0932imnx,m ??!!!!

*Sid struggling to control her laughter* "Wo bhi theek hai."

"WO KYA KAR RAHI HAI AJ KAL BETAAA?"

Me: I'm standing right here. Mujh se puch lein.

Sid: Jee wo... M.S. kar rahi hai.

"KYA BETA? MSC?"

Me: AUNTY M.PHIL KAR RAI HUN, M.PHIL.

"HAYE ALLAH LARKI, SHADI NAHI KARNI?! ITNA PARH KE SARI UMAR GUZAAR DI HAI, KITNE SAAL KI HO GAYEE HO? BUS KAR DO AB, APNE MAA BAAP KA KHAYAL KARO."

Me: ...

"DOOB MARNAY KA MUQAAM HAI."

Me: Sahi keh rai hain. 18 saal parh ke zaya ki maa baap ki mehnat. Tch. Kya socha tha meine.

*aunty turns to mom and starts counseling about how munnday won't marry a girl jiss ke chehray se noor utar jaye*

Me: Maar de mujhe goli. Waqai doob marnay ka muqaam hai.

I'm very socially awkward when it comes to our 'baraadri'. Well, not socially awkward as such. More like... "badtameez, munh phatt, besharam, loud".

My mom is the exact opposite. Haha. Its kind of funny when people expect me to be like her and I'm so... not. =P

I do not like aunties -.-

MATRIX.

2011-12-03T15:17:00.001+05:00

If I could save up all the conversations you and I ever had, they'd make for an 'AAPICK' book.

But guess what.

My thread got deleted.

No wait, I deleted it. Neend mein thi =(

So I'll post up a 'hot si' picture of you instead.

Because I love you <3
And you asked me.

Blurbs.

2011-11-16T19:41:00.001+05:00

Baba's back home from Hajj. His second, Mashallah.

I HATE THIS EMOTICON ":S". I really, really hate it.

I love pistachios and roasted almonds.

Its the 16th of November and I'm still wearing lawn.

Sweater wali thandd kab aye gi?

Iss semester boht party time ho raha hai.

Utna he work time hai.

Which means no sleep.

Once, I was ill with a serious throat infection. Dad gave me the cough syrup and I slept for 1 day and 1 night. Constantly, without waking up. For someone who slept 5-6 hours on average (before M.S) it was shocking. Because I was supposed to have 1 teaspoon of the syrup and dad accidentally gave me 2 tablespoons. Funny tha, boht.

Ab to I'm jumping in ecstasy if I get to sleep more than 4 hours -___-

But. 8 months to go and then I'm done. Officially. Daaktar Maryam.

11/13/11.

2011-11-13T16:05:00.000+05:00

This isn't meant to be offensive, it just shows what insensitive asses we are. If you do take offense, I suggest you go jump off a cliff.

B: F kehti tumhe good new sunani hai.

Me: Good news? Zarur rishta ho ga.

B: Lol, haan uss ki baat pakki ho gai hai.

Me: Mubarak ho ussay. Khush hai?

B: HAN AISI WAISI. Abi online hai. Keh rai hai pic dikhati hun. I'll show it to you then =D

Me: HAYE HAYE HAYE. JALDI!

B: Bakol uss ke 'handsome aur stylish' hai. Modeling be ki hui hai =O

Me: ... LULZ. Achaw? =P uss ko bolo abhi dekhaye!

B: Loading.

*2 mins later*

B: Mona, mujhe heart attack anay wala hai.

Me: Kyun? OMG, DEKHI?!

B: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Heart attack =O

Me: DEKHA NA!

B: Kar rahi hun send. Aap ruk jayen bus please. Kahin jana nai.

*I receive picture. I open. I stare*

Me: HAYE HAYE. TAUBA ASTAGHFAR. Pehle confirm karo yeh larka hai? =O

B: Haha, sorry mujhe dil ka daura parr raha hai. Kuch kehna mushkil hai iss waqt.

Me: Nai, please. Please tell me *its* gender. Confirm nai ho raha. Mama just saw the picture and the first thing she said was 'ye larka hai?' HAHAHAHAHA.

B: Hahaha, nai choti beti hai F ki =D

Me: Hahaha yar, seriously. Lagti be choti beti hai. Mujhe yakeen nai ho raha =O

B: Mujhe to qasam se dekh kar jhatka laga.

Me: I know exactly how you feel.

Nomz.

2011-11-11T20:01:00.002+05:00

We have around 5 cafeterias in our university. Both campuses.
Today we learned our regular cafe wala is shifting over to the main campus, and they're coming here.
Although our cafe wala makes awesome chaye (and they suck) we said okay, we'll deal. We had to duh, not like we had a choice.
But anyway.
Since they were shifting, our campus wala cafe was closed today. So we went over to main.

Girls cafe = closed
Inter cafe = closed
PG cafe = closed
Other cafe which looked more like a drug dealing spot = closed.

Me (after half an hour running around all over the main campus): Humein adha ghanta ho gaya hai khana dhoondtay huay. Hum bhookay hain abi tak.

B: Shut up.

Me: -.-

Then we went to Anarkali which is right beside the uni but takes about 10-15 mins on foot. EVERYWHERE you could see, there were GCU students. The whole university was in Anarkali because there was literally NO cafe open today.

Then we had a weird sa burger. Kahani khatam. But no food *heart-break*
Forever hungry.

Am I The Only Sour Cherry On The Fruit Stand?

2011-11-09T17:36:00.000+05:00

"Itna English type accent kyun hai tumhara?"

"Don't talk to me in a Punjabi accent yar, please".

"Why are you wearing that?!"

"Why do you cover your head? Na kia karo".

"Why do you talk like that, why do you dress like that, why do you think like that, why do you BLAH BLAH BLAH AND MORE BLAH".

Sometimes, I hate the men in my life.

Eid Nov' 2011.

2011-11-07T11:28:00.000+05:00

Literally all my friends and family: MARYAM! EID MUBARAK!

Me: Khair Mubarak =)

F&F: SO, THERE'S SO MUCH WE HAVE TO DO ON EID!

Me: =)

F&F: YEAH, WE HAVE BARBECUES AND LUNCHES AND DINNERS AND MY FRIENDS ARE COMING AND SO IS THE REST OF THE FAMILY ETC ETC ETC.

Me: Awesome.

F&F: WHAT PLANS DO YOU HAVE? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TODAY?

Me: I'm... planning to finish my career on NFS Carbon.

F&F: ..... Oh.

Me:

02-Nov-11.

2011-11-03T06:28:00.000+05:00

Best birthday ever since I grew up.

Donkey.

2011-10-30T11:26:00.000+05:00

Is there a disorder called Sunday Blues? When you're blue on EVERY SUNDAY?

If not, there should be.

I HATE SUNDAYS.

26-Oct-11

2011-10-26T20:04:00.000+05:00

I dedicated 18 years of my life to achi khasi heavy education.
8 of which have been totally about studying Psychology.

All I want to do is take pictures.

Should I laugh or should I cry? =P

Gems He Gems.

2011-10-21T20:22:00.000+05:00

Lecture: Risk Factors for Child Abuse & Neglect.

Title: Parental & Family Factors: Parental Gender

Teacher: What do they mean here by Parental Gender?
My Genius Classmate: Wo jo female mother aur male father hotay hain!
Teacher: *long stare*

Lecture: Study Skills

Shaz: Maryam, mujhe machar kaat gaya hai.

Me: ... Acha, Shaz.

Shaz (in a loud, flu-ey, half drunk voice): MERI BEHNIEN FORTRESS JA RAI HAIN AJ.

Me: Pagal, ahista bolo! Lecture's still going on =/

Shaz (louder still): Was I loud?

Me: ... Yes.

Ami.

2011-10-19T19:43:00.000+05:00

Random text message from mom:

"I miss you. Jaldi ghar ajao, acha?"

I love my ami <3

I'm A Rebel.

2011-10-16T09:55:00.000+05:00

If I sleep later than 9 a.m. on weekends, my mom starts checking my forehead for a fever. And that's on the weekend.

Sigh.

Because Nida.

2011-10-13T21:12:00.000+05:00

Explicit content ki warning.

Me: NIDO.
N: MARAAM.
Me: I MIZ U.
N: I MEES YOO MOAR!
Me: DO U REULI?
N: YAZ! HOW YOO?
Me: I okay. Working my potty off. Aap?
N: Mar rai hun. Faynals soon.
Me: Yar tumhare to mere se be zyada exams hain.
N: Ji. Finals se pehle be 2 exams hain. Mein BA he kar leti yaar.
Me: Tu pagal hai. Kis ne kaha tha lady daactar bun?
N: Ammi ne =( Khair. Tell me something random.
Me: I am a cat.
N: I am a flu. I barbaadofy tissues.
Me: I'm turned on.
N: Hahahahaha. I live you.
Me: Hahahahahaha jaahil!
N: Bc. =@ LOVE you.
N: Stoopud foon. MasterChef dekh rahi hain meri daadi amma -_____- She has made up her own names for the chefs.
Me: I love MasterChef!
N: All the guys I like get eliminated
Me: All the guys I like are bloody 21.
N: Hahahaha. Pedo =P
Me: Shut up. I suicide. No boy will marry me. I'm so boy-like meself.
N: I get reminded at least twice everyday of my masculine habits.
Me: Mere larke dost mujhe chor gaye. I understood every hidden meaning, word and gesture. They couldn't talk around me. But ha, that wasn't the only reason aur be baray maslay thay =P
N: I share your pain. Banda dhoond lo koi, masla he mukao. Don't you have a fiance by now?
Me: Haha no, bhai.
N: Doob kar marjao kahin.

Wednesday.

2011-10-13T06:06:00.000+05:00

The next slide made me feel really dumb because I didn't have an answer.

Why do we dislike this stuff about other people?

Or even like all that.

I still don't know why =P

10/9/2011.

2011-10-09T13:44:00.000+05:00

We're revisiting our childhood in this semester. Lol. We're doing School Psychology so we're all drawing on our own memories and experiences of how we got through, what problems we faced, blah, blah. Its actually fun because now we understand why we did what we did. Or maybe that's just fun for me. But anyway.

We had a question in one of the lectures about the things we hate most in other people. Also, the things we liked best in them.

Go ahead. Answer =P

10:13 A.M.

2011-10-08T10:14:00.000+05:00

Acceptance isn't all that difficult to give.

Try it sometime.

Bache SIMS Se Parhez Karein.

2011-10-02T20:25:00.000+05:00

Ali: Did you click on my wallpost? The one I tagged you in?

Me: NO.

Ali: Why =(

Me: BECAUSE I'M COOL LIKE DAT.

Ali: But I need stuff =$. Otherwise my sim won't grow =(

Me: Acha han, that reminds me. Why are you a female sim? Gender problems, Ali?

Ali: No. I wanted to be a slut. So I go around kissing people.

Me: Hahahahaha awesome.

Ali: You should be a male sim. I'll start dating you.

.....

9/26/2011.

2011-09-26T12:15:00.000+05:00

I used to be an obsessive collector. I had collections of pens, pencils, erasers, sharpeners, stamps, stickers, make up, jewelery, colored papers, etc. etc.

There were a lot of etcs'. =P

I guarded all of that JEALOUSLY. The craziest part was I never used any of that. I just collected and stored. My younger brothers and sister weren't allowed near the stuff. They could only look and touch. Then when the new school year would start, every day they'd come up to me and look at me with their big, innocent cow eyes and ...

Sid: Please wo pencil de do?

Me: NO.

Sid: PLEASE?

Me: NO! Apni rakha karo.

Sid: But yours are prettier *lays on the cow-eyed look*

I grab my stuff and hide it.

I was a mean, mean sister back then. Lol. Now I've given most of stuff away and barely have anything left. But even so, every time I go to a stationary or art shop, my sister has to practically drag me away. I'm prepared to spend all my money there, no matter that I'll never use the stuff. Or that I'm practically 23. Nope.

So I give all my money to my sister. Who is younger. Ah, well.

Blow.

2011-09-21T12:27:00.000+05:00

I wasted away my morning desperately searching for an Android touchscreen phone with a decent camera. Found nil because my price range is about 10 - 15k.

Yes, I'm ghareeb when it comes to buying my own phone because my dad expects us to pay ourselves for these 'frivolities'. See, to him a mobile is a communication device. For me, its camera, music, games, texts, calls, themes, wallpapers, etc.

That leads me to conclude that I will not be buying a new phone and shall be stuck with the bemaar one that I have. Which is near death.

=(

I Could Live Here. With My Laptop.

2011-09-19T18:14:00.000+05:00

15 Sep 11.

2011-09-15T10:39:00.000+05:00

If I could bite the ants back I would. I don't care about your 'ewwws'. I AM SO SICK of my swollen, itchy feet. Ants bite me A LOT. Mosquitoes too. And it itches. Everywhere.

*scratch*

Enh.

2011-09-12T23:01:00.002+05:00

I complain too much =/

12. Sep. 11.

2011-09-12T12:39:00.000+05:00

I've been off from university since August 17th. I went a couple days but just for an hour or so, the report submissions and blah. But technically, I have a month long holiday till September 20th.

Guess what.

I don't wanna go back.

I don't miss university. I don't miss my classes or the cafe or the grounds or my teachers and if I want to meet my friends, I can just go over to their places. There is nothing that I'm looking forward to. Not even the new semester. I honestly don't know if I can repeat last year all over again. I have mini panic attacks whenever I think of having the same insane schedule and non-stop work. After this long a break, I seriously have no clue how I'll manage. I know I'll get through Inshallah, that's not what I'm worried about. But if getting through means being exhausted and crazy and bipolar and short tempered and panicked (x1000)... Really? I don't want that.

Post Eid.

2011-09-08T21:41:00.000+05:00

May I just say best Eid ever. Best vacation ever.

EVERYONE should go to Kalabagh. And the place near Murree, I can't ever remember the name.

Its so beautiful. I don't have words to describe it. I'll post pictures soon, if I stop being lazy and actually try to upload them. The new header is one of the pictures.

I could live there forever if they had good food. And if I had my laptop with me.

Eid and Blah.

2011-08-30T03:53:00.000+05:00

Week long vacation up in the mountains. Probably with no internet. Duh. But khair, cell phone hai. If the network's available. My phone loves to make me bang my head against the wall and pray for my sanity. I'm in the middle of a text, it turns off. I push the slide up, off, push slide down, off. I call, off, I receive call, off. My phone LOVES turning itself off at various very important moments. Somehow it knows just when to turn off to receive maximum irritated Maryam reaction.

What? I sound crazy because I'm talking like my phone is a person?

...

Later.

S.C.

2011-08-23T22:37:00.001+05:00

I know, I know. I'm really late. But you love me anyway so its all good.

SO.

I don't even remember when we met (online =P) but I remember how we used to talk all the time. I remember how I was so amazed that there was this girl from India who was nearly my clone, except I'm a lot more grumpy and moody. I couldn't believe how much we clicked and I know this sounds like a love letter but Shreej, you're kind of one of my best friends so I'm entitled.

I love how positive you are. I'm one of the least positive people you will ever meet but you. You've helped me through A LOT of bad spots just by being that awesome. I'm making this all about me, haina? Sorry =P

Also, you've really amazed me with your patience. I gave you so much crap, its unbelievable. I was a sucky friend, admit it. You know I was. And you never once complained. I love you for that, you have no idea how much.

You're my sister. The other one. =P and by default, one of my best-est friends. I love you. Promise.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY <3

-Maryam.

19th.

2011-08-19T17:44:00.000+05:00

Its my brother's 19th birthday on the 19th. He said that the 19 on 19. I'm not that lame.

Okay.

I am. But it was him, I swear it.

Dad and I were sitting watching T.V. a few days ago, because the day was too long which meant the roza was too long. Only a couple hours to aftari, which is the absolute worst time.

I passed the remote to him.

Dad: Mein cartoons laga dun ga phir.

Me: *laughs* sure, sure. Go ahead.

... He wasn't kidding.

I'm a cartoon freak, yes. But I didn't know my baba was as big a fan as I am. Especially Disney. <3

I don't like being home during Ramadan. Yes, you get to sleep in which is awesome. But what the hell do you do to pass the time? I'm usually too busy to sleep/eat/breathe. Yes, of course I'm exaggerating but sometimes I actually am too busy =P Who wants to spend their roza working? Cleaning out cupboards or content writing or report stuff you have to finish. Not me. No.

Sorry. Those are the drugs talking. I'm making my friends angry/confused because I don't know why I'm saying what I'm saying I just ramble. Without commas. Not drugs as in cocaine. Drugs as in antibiotics.

Cocaine reminds me. I had this case report to do on a recovering drug addict. His drug of choice was heroin. I spelled 'heroine' all through my report and never realized till the last second before printing. You guys have NO IDEA how inappropriate that word was in so many situations. What my viva would have been like =/

I don't think I intend to stop anytime soon which would make this a boring story nobody wants to read (feel free to tell me I'm wrong) and so I need to quit.

BUT MERI SIMS NAI CHAL RAI. And I'm so tired of all the other games.

I've read countless books in the past three months. Downloadable books have made my life HEAVEN. I feel good.

Open Wide.

2011-08-10T23:35:00.000+05:00

Dentists scare the hell out of me.

Obsessed aj kal:

My Sharona
Beggin

You May Or May Not.

2011-08-05T23:45:00.000+05:00

Potty.

Chasm.

2011-07-26T20:39:00.001+05:00

He understood loneliness.
The way it ate up his insides.
The way it gnawed away at everything in his mind and heart.
He knew the great, black, gaping, yawning chasm.
The open mouthed cave of dense darkness that swallowed him up every now and then.
He drifted with it, knowing there's no escape.
Smiled a little, accepting that this was who he was.
This was a part of him.
The nagging, throbbing pain in his heart.
He shook his head, laughed a bit. He knew his heart couldn't hurt, but it felt like it did. It could. It was.
He lifted his head, gazed out at the deep, dark water in front of him.
Still.
Calm.
Dark.
The way he was, inside.
The cold numbness that drowned out any warmth. All light.

All night.

Smaller.

2011-07-25T14:10:00.001+05:00

Grade 1 to Grade 10 (I was scared of ammi).

Mama: Paper kaisa hua?

Maryam: Um. Acha?

Mama: Acha ke boht acha?

Maryam: ... Boht acha?

Mama: Kitne percent?

Maryam: BYEMOMGOTTAGO.

Intermediate to Bachelors (I decided to try honesty and see if my parents still loved me after).

Mama: Exam kaisa kar ke ai?

Maryam: Acha nai hua.

Mama: KYUN NAI? KAHA THA NA PARH LO? KHYAAL NAI HAI? BUS KAR DO APNI BOOKS PARHNA DOSRI WALI AUR COLLEGE KI PARHAI PE DEHAAN DO!

Maryam: Jee. Acha, jee.

*mama prays and prays and prays for her daughter's stupidity and loser-ish characteristics to transform into genius and brilliance*

So obviously, being honest wasn't exactly a good option after that scene.

University - M.S.

Mama: Paper kaisa hua?

Maryam: Yar ammi, aap ne phir tension le leni hain kyun puchti hain?

Mama: Matlab acha nai hua.

Maryam: Ab meine ye be nai kaha.

Mama: To phir acha hua?

Maryam: AMMI. What does it matter? I'll just tell you acha hua because obviously mein to acha he kar ke ati hun apni taraf se, agay ab teachers janay.

*silence*

Mama: Dekha. Mujhe pata tha nai acha hua. Kyun join kia Photography Club? Kya zarurat pari thi NAGS mein janay ki? Degree zyada zaruri thi ki tasweerein lena?

Maryam: ... yaar.

Pastes and Color.

2011-07-14T17:05:00.001+05:00

*Disclaimer: We're all racists.*

Me: I'M BROWN.

Brother: NO. I'M brown. You're...

Me: BROWN?

Brother: Nai na. You're...

Brother: You're creamy!

Sid: HAN, creamy. Tum creamy si ho.

Me: Vut? You crazy, I would KILL to have a creamy complexion! I'm not at all creamy.

Sid: You are! You're totally creamy with a hint of chocolate.

Me: You're calling me kaali. Politely. You think I'm black.

Sid: No. If I wanted to call you kaali, I'd have said you look like Hershey's syrup.

Me: ...

Sid: Yes, like I'm banana paste with lots of milk.

Brother: Yes.

Me: You're oriental.

Sid: YAYYYY, I'M ORIENTAL.

Me: You're like... Asian!

Brother: I hate Asians.

Me: I know.

Poof.

2011-07-10T22:27:00.000+05:00

Games are a matter of life and death for me.
I can't play without thinking that I HAVE TO WIN YES I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO I MUST.
I break out in a sweat, my heart lodges in my throat trying to pound its way out, my hands shake, my eyes stretch wide, my breathing accelerates and... You understand.

I'm a freak I KNOW but yar. Being pathetic is an art. You can quote me. And also slap me. Because right now I'm talking stupid.

BUT.

Games. I love games. More the arcade, time management and strategy type. From the Dash games (Cooking. Diner, Wedding Dash) to Barbie to NFS (<3 x infinity) to VCop 2. Haha. Bachon wali choice, yes but I love these games. These are just the bare minimum off the top of my head. I snap at anyone who interrupts and am a very sore loser. Not that I sulk or throw tantrums but I'll be irritated/ frustrated till I can get it right.

Annoying na? I annoy myself too.

Koi baat nai. Procrastination FTW.

What Bollocks.

2011-07-02T23:21:00.001+05:00

I will never understand why the ruder you get, the more guys like you.
I'm not generalizing it to the whole gender, but generally this is what I've experienced.
Jitna impatience aur bitchy attitude dekhao, utna peechay atay hain.

WHY? =/

H.M.

2011-06-24T19:43:00.001+05:00

We had these lectures on Gestalt Psychology. I didn't understand a word. I don't know what its supposed to be about. Anyway.

The teacher had this idea that we should write down something that we didn't like (or didn't agree with) about our parents' opinions. Why? I haz no idea. But we had to do it so:

Me:
Staying single after age 20 is not the end of the world. My mom would sometimes beg to differ.

B:
I believe in co-education. My father doesn't.

S:
I love hip-hop. My parents think its a sin (nangi larkiyan, tauba Astaghfaar!)

21-Jun-11

2011-06-21T19:27:00.000+05:00

Standing at the cafeteria, bad sad mad mood:

Random Girl: Uncle, MENTUS hai?
Cafe wala: Jee?
RG: MENTUS hai, MENTUS?
CW: MentOS? Nai jee... MENTOS nai hai.

She really made me laugh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attendance at the hospital:

Psychologist: Maryam? She yes. Madiha? She naat. Sameet? She come.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diagnosis issues:

Me: The supervisor told me its Post-partum Depression, not Major Depression.

Friend: What?!

Me: Jee. JAB BACHA HE NAI HUA TO KAHAY KA PARTUM?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lovely psychologist at the hospital:

You sit. Client sit. Mother owt. Isolate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

While telling lovely psychologist about my client:

Vut? Pseudo. Pseudo history. Pseudo drama. No prablum. Only act, behuda bakwas.

600!

2011-06-18T18:46:00.000+05:00

This is my 600th post, hence the title.

Anyway.

I was thinking we should have a blogger meet up in Lahore too. I'm not talking about you 12-somethings. Sorry. But we should. Just because its happening everywhere else, not because I particularly want to. Haha. Sorry, moar.

Phir be.

J.

2011-06-14T19:17:00.001+05:00

I never knew how much I depended on my laptop until now. You know. Now that its gone. Not here. Left me alone. Alone...

Okay, I'll stop. But seriously. All my entertainment + work was there. Now... its like I have nothing I can do. I have tons of work piled up but I can't work on the P.C. its too hot up there. And then Wapda, oh so helpful.

And as soon as I came home today, I got wonderful news.

My laptop's hard disk can't be recovered.

First reaction: heart attack. Kinda.
Second reaction: panic.
Third: More panic. Denial.

Guess why. Besides the obvious. It has ALL MY DATA ever since I joined G.C.U. And its a lot of data, trust me. 10 months worth of case reports, portfolios, presentations, assignments, etc, etc. I can't begin to explain the extent of the stuff I've lost, no exaggeration here.

And don't give me that shit about creating back-up I have excuses for that. Being dumb and ignorant for one. The second that my laptop's C Drive took up all 325 GB. The other drives were allocated mere MB's so I couldn't exactly save my stuff there.

AND MY PICTURES OH MY GOD. I started actually taking photography seriously since last year. AND GUESS WHAT THAT'S ALL GONE TOO. THAT is actually more heart-attack worthy than my case reports.

So... I just needed to tell someone. Okay.

Ye Kaise?

2011-06-12T21:48:00.000+05:00

Guess what. Meri Windows urr gayee. Yay me.

The first time in my life that I complete my work before deadline and this happens.

NAGS'11 - Aa Raha Hai.

2011-06-12T12:51:00.000+05:00

Being vain and selfish, I only mentioned my own event.
There are tons more:

-Arts
Photography
Photo Essay
Short Film
Painting
Sketching
Dramatics
Mime
Dress Designing
Short Story (English/Urdu)
Poetry(English/Urdu)
Recycling
Gaming
General Quiz
Sculpture
Funny Dubbing

-Electronics Event
Technical Quiz
Speed Wiring
Speed Programming
Circuit Designing
Project Exhibition
Best Idea
Robotic Race
Robotic War

Again, email at photography.nags@gmail.com if you're interested.

NAGS'11 - Anay Wala Hai.

2011-06-11T12:30:00.000+05:00

The reason for my previous post:

There's a huge-ass event happening in G.C.U. which includes Photography (obviously) and I'm the event head. One thing I neglected to mention in my post was that its only for universities. So Ali and Maryam, no scene =P

The details of the event are still being finalized and I'll post up the rules soon. The website, page, advertisments are all under development so you won't see them yet. Except for the lame page up there on the right.

I'd love it if you guys participated because the invitation's going out to as many universities as we can reach in Pakistan.

If you're interested, contact me here: photography.nags@gmail.com

T.

2011-06-07T18:49:00.000+05:00

So, how many of you are interested in photography?

Pakistan only, please.

Aur ye serious sawaal hai -.-

Gray.

2011-06-05T13:27:00.000+05:00

She opens her eyes slowly, squinting in the dim light.
Her breath rushes in, then out in jagged sounds.
Fear is a living breathing thing inside her.
Something's wrong, very wrong, whispers her mind.
Her heart is pulsing, beating, thrashing its way out of her body, like her whole being is one massive heartbeat.
Her mouth is dry, her tongue sour.
She draws in a lungful of air, wincing as it cuts her sore throat like pieces of serrated glass.
Her senses scramble to make sense of what is happening to her, but her mind refuses to accept it.
She can see it but she won't recognize it.
She closes her eyes fast, as nausea and dizziness make waves inside her, threatening to overtake her consciousness.
She makes a noise; tiny mewling sounds, a new born baby, a tiny kitten.
Things crawling, inside her mind, inside her brain, inside her.
She can't get rid of the fear; the crippling, numbing, paralyzing fear that has her in its choke-hold.
She screams loudly.. In her mind.
Her mouth and throat are blocked, obstructed with a metallic unknown; a production of her own self.
She opens her eyes; darting them wildly, all over.
Something bad is about to happen.
Don't know what or how or why.
This inexplicable feeling.

Dark. Fear. Metal. Black.

There's no end in sight.

I really, really, really hope I'm wrong.

Cliff-Dive.

2011-06-03T19:08:00.000+05:00

I've reached breaking point.
10 months now, and all I've heard is how inept, stupid and worthless I am.
NOTHING about the patients I've helped, nothing about my securing 4th position in semester finals, etc.

For once, just for once I'd like to hear something nice about myself.

Self pity ho ya jo bhi, I need reinforcement. I can't function like a robot.

Qudoo Gosht 2.

2011-06-02T21:30:00.000+05:00

My sister is an idiot.

Loser si.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine had an old man as her patient. When she told us this part of the interview, we died laughing... Intelligent questioning thi boht.

Patient: Baji, mein bathroom se farig ho kar ata hun to zehni tension ko bara sukoon ata hai. Phir kuch dayr ke liye soch ruk jati hai.

S: Acha? Bathroom mein kis cheez se farig ho kar atay hain?

Patient: Baji... Potty kar ke, aur kis cheez se =/

Qudoo Gosht

2011-05-31T17:51:00.000+05:00

Hi, I'm Maryam.

This is just to tell the world how MUCH I love my sister. She's so cool. Totally awesome. I wish I was like her. Dude, she's just awesome. Oh, did I mention how awesome she is?

Dis Saw Gud.

2011-05-30T10:30:00.000+05:00

Please. All you Grammar Nazis out there, read this. I swear to you, it will make your day.

For a preview:

Aa Vay.

2011-05-29T22:15:00.000+05:00

I really wanted to let my previous post go on for some time but my brother has this on T.V. and I just couldn't resist.

You may not find it funny.

I find it hilarious. Not because of the Punjabi. Because of the voices. The script. The sound effects. Zabardast. Also the the gaaliyan.

I'm A Curious.

2011-05-28T21:52:00.002+05:00

So Anushay had this post on her blog that I thought was really interesting.

I wanna do the same. Like, ask you your secret(s). So tell me your secret(s).

Anonymous posting is already on, as most of you know.

TELL ME.

'Cause I'm a curious.

27-May-11

2011-05-27T20:38:00.000+05:00

Alright. Look, I love you guys. But I can't pretend to care anymore when I get text messages and emails like... Well. Those who sent them know what I'm talking about.

I'm busy 24/7. Deal with it. I can't give you time. Deal with that. I don't have time for MYSELF so I would kind of appreciate a little space and a little support, maybe?

You think you hate it? Think how I feel. I don't care whether I sound like I'm drowning in self-pity or whatever but honestly you guys, I'm sick of hearing about how I ignore everyone and how I'm the worst friend ever, etc etc.

I can't. Okay? For fuck's sake I hardly get to see my family.

Just pray I get through the next 2.5 semesters.

Got.

2011-05-22T22:09:00.000+05:00

I hate Komal Rizvi.

SHE BLEW ME AWAY in Coke Studio. That woman has such an amazing voice. I never knew.

Khair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaFBMVCjBic

I like it aj kal.

Green Ho Gaya.

2011-05-21T14:32:00.002+05:00

Sab kuch.

I like.

The Serious Lecture.

2011-05-15T20:38:00.000+05:00

The recent lecture I noted:
(will add more soon)

Build.

2011-05-11T11:24:00.001+05:00

In some ways, what I'm studying has helped me turn myself into stone. Emotionally.

I am a very, very emotional person. Haha sometimes maybe too much. ~~Others would say I'm dramatic, I exaggerate, etc but what do they know.~~

So. When we're taking our sessions at the hospital, anything can happen. The client can come up to you and do/say stuff. They can do that with other clients. Or.

They can scream and cry. They can throw themselves on the floor and start hitting and scratching at themselves so much that they start bleeding. They can convulse in seizures and moan like they're dying. They can shout and beg and plead with God, and you can hear the pain in their voice, you can see it on their faces, you can feel it in the very air around them.

It breaks your heart to see human beings doing that to themselves, doesn't it?

Well, apparently. It doesn't. It doesn't affect us that way anymore. We'll spare the client a glance maybe and go about our way. Some of us might even be irritated because said human will be disrupting our other clients which invariably make them hyperventilate, cry, scream, and everything I mentioned above.

I can honestly say I'm disgusted with myself. Fine, so some of them may be faking it or whatever. But really, is this how we're really supposed to react? Which would be not reacting at all?

I don't like this.

Btw - I finally replied to the comments. Yes, that means give me more.

BECOZ.

2011-05-01T01:00:00.000+05:00

I promise I'll reply to all your comments soon. Yes, on every post. Tomorrow. Hopefully. Meanwhile:

To A Tee.

2011-04-30T20:56:00.000+05:00

Mobile kharab.

Headphones kharab.

Laptop kharab.

Microwave kharab.

Freezer/ Fridge kharab.

ANYTHING that is even remotely electronic breaks down on Saturday night. AND SINCE THE NEXT DAY IS SUNDAY NOTHING CAN BE FIXED TILL THE DAY AFTER WHICH IS MONDAY WHICH IS TOO LATE.

Its always been like this with me, ALWAYS. Anything and everything that can possible go wrong happens on Saturday night. I HATE this.

Btw - Nothing but my headphones and micro are kharab. But you get the idea, nai?

Izzit?

2011-04-25T06:29:00.000+05:00

I LOST A FOLLOWER. IZZIT BECOZ *slashes wrist*

Acha.

Anyway.

I'm sort of weirder than usual lately. As in...

I FORGET. I forget EVERYTHING. I walk into rooms, I forget what I went there for. I raise my hand in class, I forget what I was going to say. I forget during presentations. I forget when generally talking to friends. I forget while thinking or talking to myself or even singing or doing ANYTHING.

Why =(
Who =(
Kyun =(

I Haz Family. Dey Mad.

2011-04-24T21:57:00.000+05:00

Dad: Yaar, D (my brother). Ek acha sa kamra ho. Wahan takht ho. Ghazals ki collection ho aur alaa qism ka stereo system ho. Sath sheesha. Aye haye haye haye. Kya khayal hai?

D: Theek hai. You bring the beer, I'll bring the bhong.

Dad: Chup oye, ullo ka patha.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

H (other brother): Practical hai kal. Copy sign kar do.

Me: *signs*

Mom: O_O ASTAGHFAR.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I forgot the rest. Will update soon.

S & F.

2011-04-23T15:34:00.000+05:00

Since my mom, my sister and I hardly ever get to see each other's faces all week, I'm taking them out to lunch.

We spent 4 hours deciding where to go.

Then we dissed all the choices.

Then we started cleaning up the house and randomly wandering around.

We got ready in 15 mins (mom and I)

And now Sid's taking hours.

I hope we get good food.

Btw, if you know a good place for Italian ~~WHICH IS ALSO REASONABLE SINCE I'M BROKE~~ let me know.

Oh, Brother.

2011-04-21T23:22:00.000+05:00

I was watching this video on Exhibitionism -

- I KNOW THAT LOOK. ITS AN ASSIGNMENT OKAY? Perv.

So, yes. My assignment topic was Exhibitionism, and I'm not the kind of person who is mortified while reading/explaining sexual disorders (the rest of my class is). Pseudo-prudes.

But anyway.

I was watching that video. And. My brother. Came up behind me. And stood. And stared.

Me: Assignment hai meri. Um.

D: *stares* Acha.

Me: Seriously.

D: *more stares* Acha.

2011-04-17T19:09:00.002+05:00

Hate. Mosquito.

Stop. Scratch.

Itch. Everywhere. =(

Scratch.

4:33.

2011-04-16T16:35:00.000+05:00

Comfort food?

Roghni naan and chai.

French fries covered with chaat masala.

Lays English Sour Cream and Onion.

-I am in desperate need of comfort.

E.

2011-04-14T19:30:00.000+05:00

-while translating interview questions from English to Urdu-

Shaz: We have to make questions about the bio-data too?!

Me: Yeah, man. Everything.

Shaz: ... How?

Me: Um. Er. You know. Aap ka naam, umar, birth order...

Shaz: Jins?

Me: Oh, you'd ASK a patient "aap ki jins kya hai?"

Shaz: Haan, na! Socho, uss se pucho aur kya pata wo jawab de "Mein shareer se aurat hun per jism se mard" =D

Dragons in the Kitchen.

2011-04-03T18:33:00.000+05:00

Sid: GIVE ME FOOD.

Me: Give me fiyah, give me something I desiyah!

Sid: ... Oh, look. You learned a new song.

Me: That's a song? I didn't know.

Sid: OH MY- *bangs head in wall*

M.H.

2011-04-01T19:08:00.000+05:00

I wanna dance my heart out.

Just forget everything for a few hours.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

In other news, I'll be working at a hospital this semester. Wish me luck =)

Right Now.

2011-03-28T16:13:00.000+05:00

You know how when you love someone you love them mind, body, heart and soul? If you hate that same person you do it with even more passion. Imagine if you had to spend every day with that person. You can't? I can.

Na Jaawein Ajj Raat We.

2011-03-27T13:31:00.002+05:00

Attention.

2011-03-25T20:28:00.000+05:00

I broke two records today.

1. First party since the age of 15 that I didn't have a spot of make up on.

2. First ever occasion when I had my camera but didn't/couldn't use it.

24-Mar-11

2011-03-24T06:36:00.000+05:00

I'm up before sunrise each morning.

Its weird being the only one up.

I'm tired all the time.

I'm sleepy all the time.

I'm sort of weird (read: drugged, high, low, cranky, happy, moody) all day.

I'm losing my focus. Everywhere. I don't keep in touch with friends, family or studies.

I don't mind when they complain. They have a right to. But the problem is, I don't care as much as I should. Maybe because I'm way too preoccupied with myself? I'm selfish. This is new.

I've also been so vary clavar and given myself even more responsibilities than before. Yes. That is how free I am, ha ha ha ha.

For those of you who didn't get it, I'm not free. I don't have a second free. A minute. Except in the morning when I get up extra early just so I have time to waste.

Its OMG Time, Again.

2011-03-20T19:00:00.000+05:00

I just found out that one of my followers and one of those who comment regularly (I love you guys, always) is in 8th Grade. 8TH. GRADE.

It makes me feel like I'm older than the whole world.

And it also makes me wanna hug you for being so amazingly sweet and SMALL.

So. Hi, Maryam =D

...I'm going to really look after my language now -_-

Itsan.

2011-03-15T21:29:00.000+05:00

I'm so sleepy all the time. I love going on the bus, except I have to get up really early. Which guarantees extreme drowsiness throughout the day. Especially if you attend 2 hour classes. Which I do. Ha.

I haven't been keeping in touch with most of my friends. I haven't been catching up on new blog posts and stuff. I've ditched you guys, haina? Bus thori dayr. I need to develop some sort of routine before I start my intensive stalking again. Then I'll show you love.

As for the new followers I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. I'm still like this 0_0 whenever I see my followers. For someone who didn't even expect 20, this is A LOT. I'm so, so thankful to you guys.

Okay, now that my tearful, award accepting speech is over.

I'll be back.

Kattas Raj.

2011-03-12T18:56:00.000+05:00

Here are the pictures.

Some of them are of my department, some from Khewra but the best are the Kattas ones. Hope you like =)

I Could Live in Kattas Raj.

2011-03-12T16:05:00.000+05:00

The place is so beautiful, it looks unreal. Honestly, I could easily have stayed there for months. I'll post pictures soon.

We kind of went mad on the trip. Taking pictures, yelling (because the bus was noisy? And there was music?), singing at the top of our voices. Those are just the highlights. But it was awesome, really.

For the first time in my life, I'm going to university on the bus. As in the uni's own bus but I've never had to depend on public transport. Pampered and spoiled? Yes, I am. But since GC's so far from where I live, I had to take the bus.

I love it. I love going on the bus. I love waking up at 6 in the morning, even though my class starts at 9. I love going back home on the bus, even though I reach after 6 30. We've started an affair, the bus and I. Its wonderful. It completes me. Its...

I AM SO WEIRD. No, I don't have a bus fetish.

I promise.

Really.

I'd.

2011-03-10T20:46:00.002+05:00

We're going to Khewra Mines and Kattas tomorrow. Uni trip. Hoping to get a few good pictures =)

YAY.

Kal 7th March Hai.

2011-03-06T21:27:00.000+05:00

Holidays are over as of tomorrow.

It is sad. Saddest.

My teachers on the last day of semester 1: You'll start missing the university after two days. Trust us, you'll be crying and begging to go back.

Us: Heh, don't think so.

Teachers: *smug smiles* Oh, you will.

-------------------------16 days of holidays later--------------------------------------

Me: I don't wanna go back.

B: ME NEITHER.

A: Can't we take a few more days off?

S: No. I don't wanna go.

Sigh, the illusions of our teachers. I spent 16 COMPLETELY unproductive days, and I was blissfully happy.

Bzzt.

2011-03-04T11:14:00.002+05:00

I just woke up.

And my head is fuzzy.

Okay, bye.

BORED? C'MERE.

2011-03-04T00:16:00.000+05:00

These are hilarious:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

3rd March'11.

2011-03-03T15:47:00.002+05:00

Finally, the result's here and YES, I PASSED.

It still hasn't sunk in =/

Alors?

2011-03-02T22:38:00.002+05:00

New template.

Comments?

Bears.

2011-03-01T12:14:00.002+05:00

Hibernation is a very good idea, me-thinks.

Compact.

2011-02-27T17:10:00.000+05:00

There is a line between being funny/sarcastic and just being plain rude. 90% of people will cross that line almost all the bloody time.

Scrambled Eggs.

2011-02-24T20:05:00.000+05:00

Scene: Me sitting in B's car, with B in the middle and her cousin by the door, ~~pointedly ignoring us.~~

B: JABBER-JABBER-Deepika!-JABBER.

Me: *glare*

B: JABBER-Lawn clothes!-JABBER-JABBER-Deepika maadal!-JABBER.

Me: *stares out window*

B: Blab, blab, OMG she's so hot!, blab, blab, blab.

Me: *huge sigh* When will you stop?

B: Stop what? *talk, talk, talk, more deepika and Firdous Lawn talk*

Me: *bangs head in front seat*

B: You crazy? *jabber, jabber, jabber*

Me: YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP, DO YOU.

-I hate talking in the car. I have motion sickness, therefore car rides make me ill. I. Hate. Talking. In. The. Car.

Grit.

2011-02-22T15:59:00.000+05:00

You spend your life trying to make people happy.
Don't bother denying it, you know its true.
Whether its someone you love, or someone you want to impress. We all do it at one point or the other.
Why is it then, that you always turn out to be the bad guy?

Kitni strange aur ironic baat hai.

Ammi.

2011-02-21T21:44:00.000+05:00

Me: Today is a bad day.

Sid: Yes.

Me: Yours was worse than mine.

Sid: Yes.

Me: But I didn't get chai all day.

Sid: ... But I thought you couldn't exist without it?

Me: Well, yeah. *Maryam explains the whole story of not getting chai*

Sid: Oh. Its like car without petrol.

Me: Its like coffee without caffeine.

Sid: Its like... mosquito without light.

Me: Its like... wait, what?

Sid: Mosquito without light? Moth, light, something flame?

Me: ... MOTH WITHOUT A FLAME.

Sid: Why is this post named Ammi?

Me: I don't know.

Sid: You're so weird.

...

Sid: You really are weird.

GB&ME.

2011-02-21T20:25:00.000+05:00

Gerard Butler will always be my one true love.

I know, I know. You get over celebrity crushes in teenage.

But honestly he is my DREAM guy. Okay?

No judgments.

It Doesn't Matter.

2011-02-20T16:17:00.000+05:00

Salt. And Vinegar.

Two of my favorite words.

So are French and Onion.

I love French and Italian Cuisine.

I wish I lived in Italy or France.

KQ.

2011-02-19T17:03:00.000+05:00

I made alu qeema today.

Bow down to me.

Details later.

I'm Running Out of Titles.

2011-02-18T12:49:00.001+05:00

So, FINALLY exams are over with. I actually had fun giving them, except for the writing part. I HATE WRITING and we had like 9-10 questions for each paper -_-

My viva was really funny. The examiner asked me about Elimination Disorders (click on it for the link). There were about 5 people sitting there for the exam. Two sirs of mine, including the Head of Department, two teachers and the external examiner.

Her: So what are Elim. Dis.?

Me: It has two types, Enuresis and Encopresis.

Her: Okay. So what happens in them?

Me: ...oh shit. What do I say? Urine? Shit? Crap? Potty? OH MY GOD HOW DO I SAY THIS. Err. The... urine leaks? And the... um.... *pause*... the stool, too?

Her: The what?!

Me: The... stool?

Her *trying to suppress laughter* Yes?

Me: Well, it leaks. Where its not supposed to. At night and in the day, in any inappropriate situation. Even after toilet training has been implemented.

Her: How would you treat it?

Me: I've never had such a case.

Her: That doesn't matter, bachay. Hypothetically.

Me: shit, crap, potty.

And the rest went okay. No, really it did. STOP with those cynical looks already, I wasn't that bad for the rest of it.