Guest post by the insanely talented Sarah.
On getting over oneself and learning to go back to God.
Why can't I find solace where I was always taught to find it?
What is it that makes the creation so ungrateful. What suddenly makes a friend more indifferent than an enemy. What turns a lover into a cold, cold stranger? How does a child, given all the love and care possible, turn away from the parent so easily.
Why is it so hard for me to face reality and embrace what I need to make me whole. I don't need people. I don't need you. I can do it all on my own, so why do I use these feelings as obstacles and people as crutches. Why do I use the opinions of the world to define who I am?
I know anything is possible when the right kind of concentration and discipline. Am I just scared? Am I just scared to commit to something even though I know it's right for me? Good for me?
Why yes, there are knives in the kitchen drawer, Sarah, and there's rope on the shelf. But that's not what you really want, so why don't you get out of that tiny godforsaken space in your mind and do more, be more, live the way life is supposed to be lived, and not think about the hurt and the evil and the sad and lonely. There is so much more, and there is so much you can do to heal the world. Look around at what you have before you break down and cry because something didn't happen the way you wanted it to.
Undermining your feelings based on what goes on in other peoples' lives is being unfair to yourself. But there is a way to change those feelings instead of ignoring them. Be positive. Be grateful. Feel from deep inside your heart where you hid God away from yourself; don't 'feel' from the outside that is bruised from the world, by her and him and them and it.
And when you're hurt, take it up with Him because people will leave tomorrow even if they can make you feel better today.
I know all of this. Even as I crumple to the floor and ask my invisible past 'why?', I know who I really should be asking. But I don't, because I am embarrassed; I am ashamed. I have failed as the child. I have failed as the lover and the friend. I have failed as the creation, ungrateful to my Creator.
But I know I can turn back, make amends. I know it's not too late till my last breath leaves my throat. And that is all I want to focus my energies on. Turn back. Be.