Finally came to an end. The weirdest semester I think. The kids were totally normal and beyond study problems + time management issues there was honestly nothing else wrong with them. Which is good for them, bad for us =P
Except for a few rare cases.
But all in all, this placement was much more relaxed than the previous ones. Plus, I got to know A LOT about government schools; which I never would have known otherwise. Honestly, all those who study in these schools and go on to higher education have my deepest respect. Its not easy.
I hated the teachers there. Heartless and cruel.
Some kids were beyond irritating (sadly, most were girls).
Some were amazing (I had pretty awesome boys).
When do you decide that this is where you draw the line?
Where's the border between being a counselor and being a personal friend?
How do you know when you've done enough?
How do you decide that you can't go further?
How do you stop yourself from trying?
They all tell us that there comes a point when you just can't do any more for your client. No matter how much you want to. They tell us that we can't help everyone. That there's a full stop here somewhere.
What they don't tell is how. How do you do all that?
How do you hold yourself back from thinking that maybe, maybe, just this time.. You can help a little more.
Baba's back home from Hajj. His second, Mashallah.
I HATE THIS EMOTICON ":S". I really, really hate it.
I love pistachios and roasted almonds.
Its the 16th of November and I'm still wearing lawn.
Sweater wali thandd kab aye gi?
Iss semester boht party time ho raha hai.
Utna he work time hai.
Which means no sleep.
Once, I was ill with a serious throat infection. Dad gave me the cough syrup and I slept for 1 day and 1 night. Constantly, without waking up. For someone who slept 5-6 hours on average (before M.S) it was shocking. Because I was supposed to have 1 teaspoon of the syrup and dad accidentally gave me 2 tablespoons. Funny tha, boht.
Ab to I'm jumping in ecstasy if I get to sleep more than 4 hours -___-
But. 8 months to go and then I'm done. Officially. Daaktar Maryam.
We have around 5 cafeterias in our university. Both campuses.
Today we learned our regular cafe wala is shifting over to the main campus, and they're coming here.
Although our cafe wala makes awesome chaye (and they suck) we said okay, we'll deal. We had to duh, not like we had a choice.
Since they were shifting, our campus wala cafe was closed today. So we went over to main.
Girls cafe = closed
Inter cafe = closed
PG cafe = closed
Other cafe which looked more like a drug dealing spot = closed.
Me (after half an hour running around all over the main campus): Humein adha ghanta ho gaya hai khana dhoondtay huay. Hum bhookay hain abi tak.
B: Shut up.
Then we went to Anarkali which is right beside the uni but takes about 10-15 mins on foot. EVERYWHERE you could see, there were GCU students. The whole university was in Anarkali because there was literally NO cafe open today.
Then we had a weird sa burger. Kahani khatam. But no food *heart-break*
N: MARAAM. Me: I MIZ U.
N: I MEES YOO MOAR! Me: DO U REULI?
N: YAZ! HOW YOO? Me: I okay. Working my potty off. Aap?
N: Mar rai hun. Faynals soon. Me: Yar tumhare to mere se be zyada exams hain.
N: Ji. Finals se pehle be 2 exams hain. Mein BA he kar leti yaar. Me: Tu pagal hai. Kis ne kaha tha lady daactar bun?
N: Ammi ne =( Khair. Tell me something random. Me: I am a cat.
N: I am a flu. I barbaadofy tissues. Me: I'm turned on.
N: Hahahahaha. I live you. Me: Hahahahahaha jaahil!
N: Bc. =@ LOVE you.
N: Stoopud foon. MasterChef dekh rahi hain meri daadi amma -_____- She has made up her own names for the chefs. Me: I love MasterChef!
N: All the guys I like get eliminated Me: All the guys I like are bloody 21.
N: Hahahaha. Pedo =P Me: Shut up. I suicide. No boy will marry me. I'm so boy-like meself.
N: I get reminded at least twice everyday of my masculine habits. Me: Mere larke dost mujhe chor gaye. I understood every hidden meaning, word and gesture. They couldn't talk around me. But ha, that wasn't the only reason aur be baray maslay thay =P
N: I share your pain. Banda dhoond lo koi, masla he mukao. Don't you have a fiance by now? Me: Haha no, bhai.
N: Doob kar marjao kahin.
We're revisiting our childhood in this semester. Lol. We're doing School Psychology so we're all drawing on our own memories and experiences of how we got through, what problems we faced, blah, blah. Its actually fun because now we understand why we did what we did. Or maybe that's just fun for me. But anyway.
We had a question in one of the lectures about the things we hate most in other people. Also, the things we liked best in them.
I used to be an obsessive collector. I had collections of pens, pencils, erasers, sharpeners, stamps, stickers, make up, jewelery, colored papers, etc. etc.
There were a lot of etcs'. =P
I guarded all of that JEALOUSLY. The craziest part was I never used any of that. I just collected and stored. My younger brothers and sister weren't allowed near the stuff. They could only look and touch. Then when the new school year would start, every day they'd come up to me and look at me with their big, innocent cow eyes and ...
Sid: Please wo pencil de do?
Me: NO! Apni rakha karo.
Sid: But yours are prettier *lays on the cow-eyed look*
I grab my stuff and hide it.
I was a mean, mean sister back then. Lol. Now I've given most of stuff away and barely have anything left. But even so, every time I go to a stationary or art shop, my sister has to practically drag me away. I'm prepared to spend all my money there, no matter that I'll never use the stuff. Or that I'm practically 23. Nope.
So I give all my money to my sister. Who is younger. Ah, well.
I wasted away my morning desperately searching for an Android touchscreen phone with a decent camera. Found nil because my price range is about 10 - 15k.
Yes, I'm ghareeb when it comes to buying my own phone because my dad expects us to pay ourselves for these 'frivolities'. See, to him a mobile is a communication device. For me, its camera, music, games, texts, calls, themes, wallpapers, etc.
That leads me to conclude that I will not be buying a new phone and shall be stuck with the bemaar one that I have. Which is near death.
I've been off from university since August 17th. I went a couple days but just for an hour or so, the report submissions and blah. But technically, I have a month long holiday till September 20th.
I don't wanna go back.
I don't miss university. I don't miss my classes or the cafe or the grounds or my teachers and if I want to meet my friends, I can just go over to their places. There is nothing that I'm looking forward to. Not even the new semester. I honestly don't know if I can repeat last year all over again. I have mini panic attacks whenever I think of having the same insane schedule and non-stop work. After this long a break, I seriously have no clue how I'll manage. I know I'll get through Inshallah, that's not what I'm worried about. But if getting through means being exhausted and crazy and bipolar and short tempered and panicked (x1000)... Really? I don't want that.
Week long vacation up in the mountains. Probably with no internet. Duh. But khair, cell phone hai. If the network's available. My phone loves to make me bang my head against the wall and pray for my sanity. I'm in the middle of a text, it turns off. I push the slide up, off, push slide down, off. I call, off, I receive call, off. My phone LOVES turning itself off at various very important moments. Somehow it knows just when to turn off to receive maximum irritated Maryam reaction.
What? I sound crazy because I'm talking like my phone is a person?
I know, I know. I'm really late. But you love me anyway so its all good.
I don't even remember when we met (online =P) but I remember how we used to talk all the time. I remember how I was so amazed that there was this girl from India who was nearly my clone, except I'm a lot more grumpy and moody. I couldn't believe how much we clicked and I know this sounds like a love letter but Shreej, you're kind of one of my best friends so I'm entitled.
I love how positive you are. I'm one of the least positive people you will ever meet but you. You've helped me through A LOT of bad spots just by being that awesome. I'm making this all about me, haina? Sorry =P
Also, you've really amazed me with your patience. I gave you so much crap, its unbelievable. I was a sucky friend, admit it. You know I was. And you never once complained. I love you for that, you have no idea how much.
You're my sister. The other one. =P and by default, one of my best-est friends. I love you. Promise.
Its my brother's 19th birthday on the 19th. He said that the 19 on 19. I'm not that lame.
I am. But it was him, I swear it.
Dad and I were sitting watching T.V. a few days ago, because the day was too long which meant the roza was too long. Only a couple hours to aftari, which is the absolute worst time.
I passed the remote to him.
Dad: Mein cartoons laga dun ga phir.
Me: *laughs* sure, sure. Go ahead.
... He wasn't kidding.
I'm a cartoon freak, yes. But I didn't know my baba was as big a fan as I am. Especially Disney. <3
I don't like being home during Ramadan. Yes, you get to sleep in which is awesome. But what the hell do you do to pass the time? I'm usually too busy to sleep/eat/breathe. Yes, of course I'm exaggerating but sometimes I actually am too busy =P Who wants to spend their roza working? Cleaning out cupboards or content writing or report stuff you have to finish. Not me. No.
Sorry. Those are the drugs talking. I'm making my friends angry/confused because I don't know why I'm saying what I'm saying I just ramble. Without commas. Not drugs as in cocaine. Drugs as in antibiotics.
Cocaine reminds me. I had this case report to do on a recovering drug addict. His drug of choice was heroin. I spelled 'heroine' all through my report and never realized till the last second before printing. You guys have NO IDEA how inappropriate that word was in so many situations. What my viva would have been like =/
I don't think I intend to stop anytime soon which would make this a boring story nobody wants to read (feel free to tell me I'm wrong) and so I need to quit.
BUT MERI SIMS NAI CHAL RAI. And I'm so tired of all the other games.
I've read countless books in the past three months. Downloadable books have made my life HEAVEN. I feel good.
He understood loneliness.
The way it ate up his insides.
The way it gnawed away at everything in his mind and heart.
He knew the great, black, gaping, yawning chasm.
The open mouthed cave of dense darkness that swallowed him up every now and then.
He drifted with it, knowing there's no escape.
Smiled a little, accepting that this was who he was.
This was a part of him.
The nagging, throbbing pain in his heart.
He shook his head, laughed a bit. He knew his heart couldn't hurt, but it felt like it did. It could. It was.
He lifted his head, gazed out at the deep, dark water in front of him.
The way he was, inside.
The cold numbness that drowned out any warmth. All light.
Games are a matter of life and death for me.
I can't play without thinking that I HAVE TO WIN YES I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO I MUST.
I break out in a sweat, my heart lodges in my throat trying to pound its way out, my hands shake, my eyes stretch wide, my breathing accelerates and... You understand.
I'm a freak I KNOW but yar. Being pathetic is an art. You can quote me. And also slap me. Because right now I'm talking stupid.
Games. I love games. More the arcade, time management and strategy type. From the Dash games (Cooking. Diner, Wedding Dash) to Barbie to NFS (<3 x infinity) to VCop 2. Haha. Bachon wali choice, yes but I love these games. These are just the bare minimum off the top of my head. I snap at anyone who interrupts and am a very sore loser. Not that I sulk or throw tantrums but I'll be irritated/ frustrated till I can get it right.
I will never understand why the ruder you get, the more guys like you.
I'm not generalizing it to the whole gender, but generally this is what I've experienced.
Jitna impatience aur bitchy attitude dekhao, utna peechay atay hain.
I was thinking we should have a blogger meet up in Lahore too. I'm not talking about you 12-somethings. Sorry. But we should. Just because its happening everywhere else, not because I particularly want to. Haha. Sorry, moar.
I never knew how much I depended on my laptop until now. You know. Now that its gone. Not here. Left me alone. Alone...
Okay, I'll stop. But seriously. All my entertainment + work was there. Now... its like I have nothing I can do. I have tons of work piled up but I can't work on the P.C. its too hot up there. And then Wapda, oh so helpful.
And as soon as I came home today, I got wonderful news.
My laptop's hard disk can't be recovered.
First reaction: heart attack. Kinda.
Second reaction: panic.
Third: More panic. Denial.
Guess why. Besides the obvious. It has ALL MY DATA ever since I joined G.C.U. And its a lot of data, trust me. 10 months worth of case reports, portfolios, presentations, assignments, etc, etc. I can't begin to explain the extent of the stuff I've lost, no exaggeration here.
And don't give me that shit about creating back-up I have excuses for that. Being dumb and ignorant for one. The second that my laptop's C Drive took up all 325 GB. The other drives were allocated mere MB's so I couldn't exactly save my stuff there.
AND MY PICTURES OH MY GOD. I started actually taking photography seriously since last year. AND GUESS WHAT THAT'S ALL GONE TOO. THAT is actually more heart-attack worthy than my case reports.
There's a huge-ass event happening in G.C.U. which includes Photography (obviously) and I'm the event head. One thing I neglected to mention in my post was that its only for universities. So Ali and Maryam, no scene =P
The details of the event are still being finalized and I'll post up the rules soon. The website, page, advertisments are all under development so you won't see them yet. Except for the lame page up there on the right.
I'd love it if you guys participated because the invitation's going out to as many universities as we can reach in Pakistan.
If you're interested, contact me here: email@example.com
She opens her eyes slowly, squinting in the dim light.
Her breath rushes in, then out in jagged sounds.
Fear is a living breathing thing inside her. Something's wrong, very wrong, whispers her mind.
Her heart is pulsing, beating, thrashing its way out of her body, like her whole being is one massive heartbeat.
Her mouth is dry, her tongue sour.
She draws in a lungful of air, wincing as it cuts her sore throat like pieces of serrated glass.
Her senses scramble to make sense of what is happening to her, but her mind refuses to accept it.
She can see it but she won't recognize it.
She closes her eyes fast, as nausea and dizziness make waves inside her, threatening to overtake her consciousness.
She makes a noise; tiny mewling sounds, a new born baby, a tiny kitten.
Things crawling, inside her mind, inside her brain, inside her.
She can't get rid of the fear; the crippling, numbing, paralyzing fear that has her in its choke-hold.
She screams loudly.. In her mind.
Her mouth and throat are blocked, obstructed with a metallic unknown; a production of her own self.
She opens her eyes; darting them wildly, all over. Something bad is about to happen.
Don't know what or how or why. This inexplicable feeling.
I've reached breaking point.
10 months now, and all I've heard is how inept, stupid and worthless I am.
NOTHING about the patients I've helped, nothing about my securing 4th position in semester finals, etc.
For once, just for once I'd like to hear something nice about myself.
Self pity ho ya jo bhi, I need reinforcement. I can't function like a robot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A friend of mine had an old man as her patient. When she told us this part of the interview, we died laughing... Intelligent questioning thi boht.
Patient: Baji, mein bathroom se farig ho kar ata hun to zehni tension ko bara sukoon ata hai. Phir kuch dayr ke liye soch ruk jati hai.
S: Acha? Bathroom mein kis cheez se farig ho kar atay hain?
Patient: Baji... Potty kar ke, aur kis cheez se =/
Alright. Look, I love you guys. But I can't pretend to care anymore when I get text messages and emails like... Well. Those who sent them know what I'm talking about.
I'm busy 24/7. Deal with it. I can't give you time. Deal with that. I don't have time for MYSELF so I would kind of appreciate a little space and a little support, maybe?
You think you hate it? Think how I feel. I don't care whether I sound like I'm drowning in self-pity or whatever but honestly you guys, I'm sick of hearing about how I ignore everyone and how I'm the worst friend ever, etc etc.
I can't. Okay? For fuck's sake I hardly get to see my family.
In some ways, what I'm studying has helped me turn myself into stone. Emotionally.
I am a very, very emotional person. Haha sometimes maybe too much. Others would say I'm dramatic, I exaggerate, etc but what do they know.
So. When we're taking our sessions at the hospital, anything can happen. The client can come up to you and do/say stuff. They can do that with other clients. Or.
They can scream and cry. They can throw themselves on the floor and start hitting and scratching at themselves so much that they start bleeding. They can convulse in seizures and moan like they're dying. They can shout and beg and plead with God, and you can hear the pain in their voice, you can see it on their faces, you can feel it in the very air around them.
It breaks your heart to see human beings doing that to themselves, doesn't it?
Well, apparently. It doesn't. It doesn't affect us that way anymore. We'll spare the client a glance maybe and go about our way. Some of us might even be irritated because said human will be disrupting our other clients which invariably make them hyperventilate, cry, scream, and everything I mentioned above.
I can honestly say I'm disgusted with myself. Fine, so some of them may be faking it or whatever. But really, is this how we're really supposed to react? Which would be not reacting at all?
I don't like this.
Btw - I finally replied to the comments. Yes, that means give me more.
I FORGET. I forget EVERYTHING. I walk into rooms, I forget what I went there for. I raise my hand in class, I forget what I was going to say. I forget during presentations. I forget when generally talking to friends. I forget while thinking or talking to myself or even singing or doing ANYTHING.
You know how when you love someone you love them mind, body, heart and soul? If you hate that same person you do it with even more passion. Imagine if you had to spend every day with that person. You can't? I can.
I'm so sleepy all the time. I love going on the bus, except I have to get up really early. Which guarantees extreme drowsiness throughout the day. Especially if you attend 2 hour classes. Which I do. Ha.
I haven't been keeping in touch with most of my friends. I haven't been catching up on new blog posts and stuff. I've ditched you guys, haina? Bus thori dayr. I need to develop some sort of routine before I start my intensive stalking again. Then I'll show you love.
As for the new followers I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. I'm still like this 0_0 whenever I see my followers. For someone who didn't even expect 20, this is A LOT. I'm so, so thankful to you guys.
Okay, now that my tearful, award accepting speech is over.
The place is so beautiful, it looks unreal. Honestly, I could easily have stayed there for months. I'll post pictures soon.
We kind of went mad on the trip. Taking pictures, yelling (because the bus was noisy? And there was music?), singing at the top of our voices. Those are just the highlights. But it was awesome, really.
For the first time in my life, I'm going to university on the bus. As in the uni's own bus but I've never had to depend on public transport. Pampered and spoiled? Yes, I am. But since GC's so far from where I live, I had to take the bus.
I love it. I love going on the bus. I love waking up at 6 in the morning, even though my class starts at 9. I love going back home on the bus, even though I reach after 6 30. We've started an affair, the bus and I. Its wonderful. It completes me. Its...
You spend your life trying to make people happy.
Don't bother denying it, you know its true.
Whether its someone you love, or someone you want to impress. We all do it at one point or the other.
Why is it then, that you always turn out to be the bad guy?
So, FINALLY exams are over with. I actually had fun giving them, except for the writing part. I HATE WRITING and we had like 9-10 questions for each paper -_-
My viva was really funny. The examiner asked me about Elimination Disorders(click on it for the link). There were about 5 people sitting there for the exam. Two sirs of mine, including the Head of Department, two teachers and the external examiner.
Her: So what are Elim. Dis.?
Me: It has two types, Enuresis and Encopresis.
Her: Okay. So what happens in them?
Me: ...oh shit. What do I say? Urine? Shit? Crap? Potty? OH MY GOD HOW DO I SAY THIS. Err. The... urine leaks? And the... um.... *pause*... the stool, too?
Her: The what?!
Me: The... stool?
Her *trying to suppress laughter* Yes?
Me: Well, it leaks. Where its not supposed to. At night and in the day, in any inappropriate situation. Even after toilet training has been implemented.
Her: How would you treat it?
Me: I've never had such a case.
Her: That doesn't matter, bachay. Hypothetically.
Me: shit, crap, potty.
And the rest went okay. No, really it did. STOP with those cynical looks already, I wasn't that bad for the rest of it.
Boy: It's you & me..
Boy: Baby it's destiny..
Boy: Oooh Your my Best Friend..
Girl: Aww..So cute..
Boy: In a World We Must Defend..
Boy: POKEMON GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!!
Voldemort: I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth.... Harry: You have no hair . Voldemort: You have no parents Harry: You have no nose Voldemort: ....
Harry: *sneezes* you jealous? Voldermort: pfft, no! of course not :| Harry: *brushes his hair* what about now? Voldermort: ...
You know my horrible, terrible history of not studying, yes? I had a really tough paper today and I didn't study (I have a pathological disorder, so sue me) the two days I had for prep leave. So today: exam morning, I got up AT 4:35 A.M. TO STUDY. ME. Yes, I think its huge cause I've never ever done that. Never never ever. I sound like a child with a language disorder, I know.
But phir be. Yay me? Although the paper went badly. Haha. We'll see though.
I've been getting so much junk mail, its weird. On an average, 20-40 mails a day. I've had to set my junk filters to exclusive and most comments go there too although I regularly scan the junk mail folder like an idiot, hoping for your comments. Loser that I am. So I've been getting these e-cards from a Secret Admirer O_o.
No, I didn't open them. But I've been getting one almost every other day for the past week.
You may not realize it but you've joined the ranks of those we both despised. You know. Friends who ditch.
I have stuff to do.
I have so much to do, we'll talk later.
Not a problem. I don't mind talking later when you're actually busy. But what about when YOU need to talk to ME?
I guess its my fault I'm fucking there for you every fucking time you need to fucking hear that someone loves you. And you know how much I HAVE been there. Like pretty much every single time there was. Even when you didn't ask.
I will never fucking learn to stop giving so much of myself. I'll never learn. Because I do this every time and now I can't even be mad about it because it IS my fault. I give too much, I expect the same in return.
I'll let you know if that ever in my life comes true.
Sad, poor little me post? Go away, right now I don't care how much of a whiny kid I sound like. I WANT FRIENDS WHO KNOW HOW TO BE FRIENDS, DAMMIT.